it has occurred to me that i do not show my dad love in the way that he can process it.
in fact if i am truly looking at my relationship with him i'm not entirely sure if i have been as thoughtful about how he feels as i think i am.
we had a family meeting yesterday and it opened my eyes to see my father as he really is. i've had revelations about him and his character a few times in my life and generally i am upset by what i see because i had thought of him in a different light. i'm sure every child goes through these times when they see there parents as humans, and not as the heroes they once revered. yesterday i was upset again, this time not with him, but with myself.
i had put him in a box and i only saw him through this filter. i saw him as some one that i didn't agree with on a lot of things, a man who i had a very hard time loving because of his temper. a man who i clashed and butt heads with with such a ferocity that titans would cower.
but when i was forced to look at him in true light, the light of God. i saw a man who was sensitive and his feelings got easily hurt. a man who grew up in a house where feelings were not felt in a healthy way and anger was used to cover and convey all emotions. but most importantly i saw how i had been treating him; allowing myself to judge him and use with holding love as a punishment.choosing to use little passive aggressive actions to let him know how much i disapproved. and i forgot to love him.
it's not that we are openly hostile towards each other and i do love my father very much, but i wasn't showing him that love and i realize now how hurtful that wast to him.
i have committed in these 40 days of love to try and love him better than i ever have before and in a way that God is calling us to love each other.
